Mom-rage. I never knew this was a thing before it's a seething rage that grips you so tight in the moment, that it's all that exists. I remember a time where my mom broke a bowl with her bare hand because the kitchen wasn’t clean to her standards. I was terrified but also impresses, but I remember thinking as a kid ‘Why would you break a whole bowl, because the kitchen wasn’t clean, does that not add more things to do?’ Now, not for nothing, my mom is bat-shit crazy. However, if she was experiencing a moment of mom-rage, I absolutely get it--1000% get it. So, I’m gonna talk about that today before I, myself, end up on an episode of snapped.
Lately, I’ve found myself feeling the intense feelings of resentment and anger, no it’s pure organic rage. I legit get so mad that sometimes I feel like I’m shaking trying to keep it together. Funnily enough, it’s not a specific thing that happens to trigger it it’s the everyday mundane things that pile up into this massive 'I’m-going-to-flip-my-shit' snowball. When we get to max level snowball and we’re breaching avalanche territory, that’s when I have to take 20 minutes minimum to reset and then I’m good. Now I know some of y’all are like mom-rage? The fuck is that? Meanwhile, a shit-ton of moms just took a collective sigh of relief and feel 100 percent seen. Nah, you’re not crazy sis, this shit is real and rough. Anywho let's break it down, shall we?!
Mom-rage is described via PsychCentral.com like this:
“Mom rage is a phenomenon in which moms experience intense anger that is unexplained, intense, and often very disruptive to their daily life,” explains Carli Blau, a psychotherapist certified in perinatal mental health from New York.”
Now Carli and them got part of it right the rage is real and can be incredibly disruptive, however, it’s not unexplained, on the contrary it's actually 1000-percent explainable. It is the very explainable byproduct of overstimulation and underwhelming support system. Damn Chan, what do you mean by underwhelming support, that’s sounds fucked up?! Well, I’m so glad you asked friend! I say underwhelming support because moms are expected to drop everything for their kids, be on board for any fuckery they throw at us with love and grace, manage their schedules, carry the efficiency of the household on our shoulders, while also working and/or being a fully present parent. You’re expected to put everyone first before your own needs and make the largest sacrifices for the family because that’s what “good” mothers do. And if your married it’s all that on top of the expectation of what a “good wife” should be and on and on in perpetuity, until every hat you wear is accounted for. The rage then suddenly becomes crystal-fucking-clear, I think.
Imagine if someone were to come up to you and say “Hey you, I’m going to give you this tiny human and the task of making sure this thing doesn’t grow up to be a total serial killer, yeah, that’s primarily on you. Also, you’ll get “help” in the form of a break to go run some errands but for the most part it’s all on you. Oh, and the world you must raise this thing up in is a shit show. Also, you really can’t trust anyone with your tiny humans these days, so that village everyone talks about, I guess you can be all that, too. Oh! And you better not complain about it otherwise you’re a “bad mom” and ungrateful for this precious tiny human we've forced you to have, that may or may not be a serial-killer in the making… Good luck!”
No one would ever have kids. Ever! Because that sounds like a shit deal, yet we ask mothers to do this every day. And the amount of women who see this toxicity as a rite of passage in motherhood I want the smoke with y’all, too! Why on earth would you want someone else to suffer through the same bullshit you went through, if you already know it’s bullshit? Now, that is beyond me. Older women, especially Boomer moms are notorious for this shit. Say, I express frustration with an aspect of motherhood it’ll be swiftly met with a “Oh, just wait 'til (insert any escalated form of feral under-developed brain fuckery here)”. Now on one hand I get it, it can be a warning. However, an unsolicited warning at a time where what's really needed is encouragement, is what? A dick move. It’s a dick move, Sharon!!!
Mom-rage is very real and if left unchecked can have some very severe, even fatal, repercussions. Moms shouldn’t be expected to be entire village for their kids, and to take it a step further we should not expect women to stop being humans after they become mothers. We expect mothers to pick up the slack for all the ways we have failed as a village. We have broken their trust in the village and then turned around and told them to handle it, and that's a super-human feat. Moms have very really feelings, dreams, insecurities, ambitions, along with the profoundly deep unwavering love for our children. I've seen so many testimonies on social media where burnt-out moms are having to reconcile that the village they thought they had while pregnant, seems to have disappeared as their children aged. This isn't me saying that moms want other people to raise their kids, but having people around to help you remember who you are, when all you can manage to see in the mirror is 'Mom', is invaluable. That's the power of the village, it's not just babysitting and child raising, it's providing space for mothers, to still be their own people without judgement.
Lately I’ve been revisiting what my motherhood looks like, and it isn’t being a robot that does it all. I like naps and do-nothing days and spending time alone watching TikTok drama and loving on me. I've come to see my own Mom-rage as an absolute indicator of a need for stronger boundaries around how I allow others access to me. I get how hard this can be especially moms who want to just love on and take care of everybody. Especially for us military spouses, ‘cause I may or may not have adopted my wife’s soldiers as my kids a time or two and help create a make-shift village for us all. Point is, it’s important to not let the rage win and, instead, use it as a means to say ‘no’ to others demands on our time, including our kids, and see the bubbling rage as an alarm clock letting us know our cups are running low. It's not a perfect science and I know I'm going to lose my shit sometimes, but I can't be a woman who believes that our emotions are our guidance systems and let this raggedy-ass rage go unchecked, ya know? Lead by example and whatnot.
I want to be all the rage ’cause I’m a bad-ass bitch, not because I’m a grumpy-ass bitch. Well, thanks for coming to my therapy session. Make sure you hug a mother near you (with her consent, providing she isn’t completely touched-out), stop and smell some flowers, and I wish you all bountiful Springtime blessings. Blessed Ostara, Happy Easter, and I’ll holler at y’all later. 🙃
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Also, make sure you’re up to date on my novella ‘Situationships & Sippy Cups’. It is available on Kindle Vella in the Amazon store, check it out!!!