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How Hard Is It?: A Reckless Rant

Hey y’all this week we’re ranting, bitch, ‘cause I got some shit to get off my chest. So this is going to be two different stories in one blog because it all falls under the category of mofos having no business and all the audacity. It’s going to be longer than normal so settle in and let’s jump right into it. Whew! Let me woosah really quick because I’m mad already… Let’s take a collective breath, shall we!

~Fucking Karen~

Alright, so boom! I hadn’t been back on the mainland two weeks at this point, but we planned a trip down to Orlando to take the kiddos to Legoland and Sea World and I was excited about it. So we get there and, as you do, we went to Walmart to grab some cheap necessities for the vacation house. One thing that I quickly remembered while back home in Florida is that Florida heat is a different type of heat, the humidity is disrespectful in a demonic way, and the audacity of white people stay on BOGO like Publix.

So because of the aforementioned heat, I decided instead of getting my baby out of the car after she already got overheated from walking around most of the day, we’d just stay in the car so she could sleep and cool down. The car is locked and running with the ac set to polar ice caps under the only available shade in the area. There were cars all around us with people coming and going it was a nice little moment people-watching… until Karen’s raggedy ass sidled up.

She and her husband I’m assuming were getting ready to leave, he gets in the car, and I notice she’s looking with disgust at my car and pointing. She then walked around to the front of the car and says something to a lady that was parked in front of me loading up her trunk, clearly not giving a single fuck about whatever she was saying. Then Karen walks back to her car which is on the left side of mine and before she gets in she looks into the car, I’m talking hands on the window, full-on peeking into the driver’s side. After she’s done being nosey she hurries into her car with her husband and immediately pulls out and starts to drive off.

Now, I hadn’t engaged her at all, I don’t know what she was trying to do and that’s none of my business so long as she don’t damage the truck or wake up my sleeping baby. I didn’t engage with her, but I kept my eye on her because if it’s one thing I super don’t trust, it’s old white women from Florida. However, I want to let her know there was absolutely someone in the car that saw her dumb ass so I get out to throw out the trash, and I could feel her eyes burning into the side of me. Suddenly their car stops, and I get back in the back seat, put my feet back up, and continue to mind my business.

As I’m scrolling, I see her decrepit, Roz from Monster’s Inc. looking ass standing outside my window now, my window, not the driver’s where she first launched her investigation, MINE! And had a cart attendant with her. They’re just standing there because I am not letting the window down. The cart attendant locks eyes with me, almost pleading for me to acknowledge her so he can go back to minding his business. So I finally let the window down and ask “Can I help, you?” and do you know what this dizzy ass bitch said to me? “Oh, my goodness I’m so sorry! I just saw the car running and no one was in it, and I was just so concerned. I was just concerned, I’m so sorry.”

Y’all… Y’ALL!!!! When I tell you I was livid! Like, bitch it’s a rental the windows aren’t even tinted, and when her raggedy ass looked inside the car she would’ve seen my black ass foot on the arm rest. This bitch got mad because I ignored her ass and the only reason I kept my shit together is because I had a sleeping baby right next to me. The thing that made it worst was that she was peeking in and looking past me TRYING TO GET A GLIMPSE OF MY BABY!!! Bitch when I tell you I rolled that window right TF back up.

Like, how hard is it to mind your damn business, bitch?! Like it’s the middle of the day in June, in Florida, it’s not uncommon to see a running car outside of a store. It’s hot, we’re hot, why is that cause for investigation Inspector-fucking-gadget? Like are context clues not a thing anymore?! And also, HOW HARD IS IT TO MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! I was minding mine and ole boy was minding his ‘til you came and disrupted his peace, because what, you were feeling your ‘Murder She Wrote’ beat?! Bitch if you don’t carry your Nancy Drew head-ass on somewhere. She was lucky my mother-in-law was inside, ‘cause Momma absolutely would’ve had the time to drag her crusty ass that I simply did not. Anyway…

~The False Prophet~

So, let’s get into what happened yesterday. So wifey went to the gas station to fill up the cars and such. Dana told me she noticed this lady who walking a few paces behind her but moving slow, with a walking stick like Rafiki, and so she held the door open for the lady. The lady looks at her intently but continues on her way. So when Dana’s checking out, the lady, who’s now directly behind her, says she need to talk to her about something. So Dana tells her what pump she’ll be at and to come out there to chat.

So the lady gets out there and my wife, ever respectful to her elders, listens to the lady who says that God told her to tell Dana that “you and your partner shouldn’t argue and fight” and that “she doesn’t want to see her get arrested’ which super offended Dana, as it fucking should’ve. For any masculine presenting woman, I’m sure this is hella triggering, because people just take one look at you and start assuming shit at an Usain Bolt speed. So for her to take one look at my wife and assume she’s violent or has that type of relationship where violence is commonplace was a huge slap in the face. She has never been violent with me ever, it’s a core belief that she holds dear. Now that aside, the thing that pissed me off was the “god told me to tell you.” Bitch…

Y’all false prophet-ass mofos going to get enough of fucking with people. For those of you that are new here, my wife happens to be married to a woman that’s been communicating with spirits and the like since childhood. I talk to God often and God ain’t ever tell me to go up to somebody and start spouting off bullshit like that, it’s called ETHICS heaux! AND as if the approach and subject matter weren’t enough, she was TF wrong! We weren’t even arguing yesterday, hell, we were trying to figure out how to work-in some quick heated fellowship, between nap and dinner time.

My wife and I don’t believe in communicating in ways that would warrant a police presence, but that block-head bitch took one look at my wife and assumed she was aggressive and tried to sugarcoat her bigotry with religion. She was lucky my mother-in-law or I wasn’t there. However, I can also guarantee that if we were there that great value ass Mama Odie looking trollop would’ve kept her ass on crickets. I wish I was there, so I could’ve demonstrated what a divinely channeled message actually looks like and sent that disrespectful bargain basement first-lady wannabe on about her merry. One thing I absolutely don’t play about is my wife, PERIODT!

And as an aside, isn’t it funny how the tender-hearted warrior types always partner up with a weird witchy type who’s got a touch of the crazy and be about that action in real life? Anyway, y’all stay safe out there, pay these Karens dust, and keep bail money stashed just in case ‘cause they still out here knuckin’ and buckin’. Love y’all. 🙃

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Also, make sure you’re up to date on my novella ‘Situationships & Sippy Cups’. It is available on Kindle Vella in the Amazon store, check it out!!!

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