I Am Pacifier

Updated: May 27, 2021

You ever plan an event for a group and pray that something falls through, so you don’t actually have to people?


Yeah, so anyway my baby thinks I’m a pacifier and, I mean from all the moms I’ve asked, it’s a phase they go through, but I have some concerns. Ok, so check it, my daughter likes to just hang out with my nipple in her mouth, ya know, just casually loungin’ watch Mickey Mouse Playhouse; relaxing. As a person whose favorite place is already the bed, this can present itself as an issue in the face of productivity. Most days I don’t feel like doing things anyway, and as an adult I’m required to give a fuck about things. You know, shit like keeping food in my house, making these coins, paying these bills, and pretending I give a fuck about laundry, laying around with a tiny human parasite all day isn’t exactly my idea of winning adulthood. However, I’m also not trying to have an angry baby on my hands, either. She’s a fresh two months and runs me. I’m always told by the well-meaning to “make sure you get her on a schedule” but I’m starting to think it’s the exact opposite. Babies have a schedule, and we have to adapt our lives to it, because she could give two fucks about what I have going on. Or am I parenting wrong? I don’t fucking know, all I know is my child sucks me dry when she’s upset, she sucks me dry when she’s sleepy, and sucks me dry when she’s casually watching Mickey and’nem.

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I’m sure there’s a scientist somewhere that’ll say according to some arbitrary study that that’s unhealthy- but fuck all that! My baby is happy and healthier with a tit in her mouth than not, and who am I to deny her for the sake of a random stranger, anyway. But yeah... so I can officially add pacifier to my list of mom-skills... my baby stay upgrading me! My Mom-resume is gonna be fuckin’ USDA certified Grade A badbitchery, and I thank you!

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The other thing that concerns me is the long-term effect this will have in my nipples. Like, okay, hear me out...


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I keep envisioning the dreaded orangutan tits, people have joked about and I’m not gon lie, the left one is already looking a lil sus ‘cause that’s her favorite. I’m only in my early 30s (where my elder millennials at?), like, I still have some life in these tits. I guess my main question is when should I schedule my Dr. Miami consultation? Like, how long should I wait after my breastfeeding days to have these bad boys revamped? I’m all for body positivity and letting ya titties hang free in the hot summer sun. As for me and my titties, however, we shall be nipped and tucked, amen?! Meh.

Anywho, let me go see if these plans are canceled and I’ll holla at y’all later.


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