I'm currently sitting in a semi-hot room on a hot Hawaiian night, just finished watching Hamilton. I have an awful headache, thoughts are zooming around my head at a million seconds per minute, and I'm all over the place, but the baby is sleeping peacefully next to me so that's a win... my tiny little furnace of limitless possibility. I've been feeling shitty lately but I'm tired of feeling shitty so I'm going to try and write my way out of this funk.
Anywho, lately I've been really working on my mental health and prioritizing the breaking of generational bullshit that I refuse allow my daughter to encounter (that's still hella weird to say- I have a child holy shitballs). It's been interesting... See, I'm a person who developed hyper-independence as a coping mechanism and never in my life have I ever said “I'm not okay”, out loud, to another human or refrained from masking this much... Ever! That's huge for me. Like, the hyper-independence force in me has been so strong that even after 5 years of marriage and 8 years together in total, I'm terrified of fully depending on my wife. This isn't because she's unsafe, far from it, she's the safest. However, the thought of having to depend on someone 100% is truly terrifying. I'm grateful for my therapist, though, she's amazing and I'm lucky I found her on this island. (Can we give a round of applause for Therapy For Black Girls, because the GOAT 🐐.) I'm learning that there isn't anything wrong with asking for help, which is harder than it seems. I don't have all the answers and I haven't yet seen what's on the horizon, as there's a fuck ton of shit to work through, but I'm going to doing the work as Iyanla says. I'm sure that's the most important part. Right? At least I know I'm a hot mess and I admitted it. Right?
In addition to this hotmessdom, I've been having a huge uptick in spirit activity. My dreams and visions have been with ALL of the shits lately and whether it's the retrograde or just the routine spiritual leveling up, shit has been crazy. I'm not new to that at all, but I am new to going through my regular mediumistic stuffs with a tiny human. It's a whole different kind of strain on energetic output that I have to get used to. It's like being a singer songwriter getting in an accident, getting soap-opera-style amnesia, and then have to learn to singer songwriter all over again. I'm working toward strengthening my balance as well. I'm finally feeling like I'm in a place where I can start working on my physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional bodies and all bodies in between. I've accepted that this will take time and my busy body ass has to learn to be okay with taking it SLOW.
I'm not sure if any of this made sense but like Hamilton said, Lin-Manuel's version that is, I'm going to write myself out of this funk I'm in. Even if it doesn't make sense, even if it's painful, even if it's not that funny, and even if it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I'm going to write myself to the place where the contentment (and money) resides. If Hamilton can write like he's running out of time to save his life, then build his life, I know I can do the same.
And also, can we just take a moment to acknowledge how fucking FIRE ‘Hamilton’ is, (Yes, I know I'm late,1 time for Disney+) like can we talk about it???
And also also, like and share a time in your life you felt like you had to dig yourself out of a funk in the comments and share with your friends.