So this week I’ve been having a weird mental health week I can’t stop the panicking and worrying that my anxiety loves run to. So as a quick trigger warning in this post we’ll be touching on bullying and trauma, so if this is triggering, sit this one out, my love. Okay, so… It’s been very hard to continue to push through all week and still try to meet my goals. I’ll survive, my brain doesn’t know that though. This bitch thinks the world is going to hell in handbasket with a kerosine ribbon because I missed a personal deadline, she do too much is what I'm saying; I love her but she’s a lot sometimes.
So today I want to just talk about how I’m feeling if that’s alright-- and this idea came to me this morning so for the most part it’s thoughts in real time. I have had a rough week of dissociating, losing time, and feeling like I’m on edge. I don’t know what’s happening with the planets and shit so if it’s a retrograde or something that’s making me feel half crazy, please let me know and end my misery. I joke, because I know exactly where the “crazy” feeling is coming from. I’m a bullying survivor and until recently did I realize that the source of a lot of trauma was me being bullied and how it was handled. It was so bad that I don’t have memories of that time of my life, I had to be told about what happened to me from other people who were there. I don’t like thinking about the fact that I let all that shit happen because me, now, child please; I fight.
During this time of bullying in 5th grade also happened to be the time that my spirit communication abilities began to show up full-time. So I was in grade school dealing with living people’s bullshit and dead people’s bullshit at the same time; I think I may have mentioned this before. And to make matters worse, my elementary school was a private Christian school located in the basement of the church that owned it, which was situated right next to one of the oldest cemeteries in the damn city!
So all of this was going on at once and it was too much for me to handle so I trauma dumped a lot. However, I do remember the moment where I started feeling safe again after moving schools and deciding that I wouldn’t ever call too much attention to myself again. I wasn’t going to make myself a target. I started dumbing myself waay down and flying below everyone’s radar. During this time, I also learned how to mirror because, contrary to popular belief, ya girl is MEGA socially awkward. Whatever I observed people doing to interact with each other is what I did. It worked well for the most part and honed my ability to mask; it was great for then, but it kinda sucks now.
See, when I was a kid I needed to protect myself because my environment wasn’t safe, now I’m an adult in a safe environment that I’ve cultivated for myself to be myself. However, the masking doesn’t just go away it changes form and shows up in more annoying ways. This week, it’s been in the form of me trying to find ways to instantly pep myself back up instead of riding the wave of the low energy and emotional capacity. I know for some of you that smacked you dead in the face. I know, babes, it got me, too… it got me too.
Yeah, these days my masking shows up in the form of me trying, fighting, to find a better feeling space as soon as I feel down, so much so that my brain actually starts fighting back. My brain’s all “Girl, we just got here leave us alone” and the mask is like “Who gives a fuck, we don’t have time for this right now.” This constant back and forth would make anyone feel crazy as fuck, honestly, and that’s been me this week. I’ve been struggling to ride the wave and honor where I’m at. Masking happens so often that it is second nature to me, hell, maybe even first nature (I’m not quite sure how the euphemism works). All week I’ve used so much energy trying to make myself feel alive and upbeat at the very least, that here we are at the end of the week, and I’m spent, bitch!
If I would’ve just honored where I was I at the beginning of the week and rode that low energy wave I may have been able to conserve enough energy to enjoy the weekend with my family, but all I want to do now is sleep. It’s like cutting off your nose to spite your face, or whatever old folk be saying. Every day I am actively learning to honor where I am and be gentle with myself during the times I forget that I’m safe and don’t have to rush to hide my emotions. I am worthy of holding space for myself where I can acknowledge them, feel them and/or process them in real time, because that’s what that low energy wave is for anyway, right? So yeah, today I’m feeling kinda blah and low on energy, and I’m going to enjoy being in this space and relax into the low tide of my emotions and just be where I’m at.
I hope your Friday is whatever you want it to be for you. Don’t mask, show up and be authentic for yourself, you owe that to yourself. No one else may see that huge step you’re taking in self-acceptance, but I see you and I’m here for it. Have a great weekend, friends and be kind to yourselves!
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Also, make sure you’re up to date on my novella ‘Situationships & Sippy Cups’. It is available on Kindle Vella in the Amazon store, check it out!!!