The End of Florida Knee?

Updated: May 27, 2021

So my neighbor’s dog barks every night around the same time like it’s dying and, while my mind knows the owner is always near, I can’t help but think it’s being murdered in the face the way it’s barking and I’m concerned... Fuck, is this how ‘Karens’ become ‘Karens’, concern that evolves into not minding your damn business?!

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Anyway, so let’s talk about these shitty ass postpartum knees. So I have an extensive dance background, my knees are usually the last thing on my list to worry about, they’ve always held me down in the heat of battle. I used to have what you call ‘Florida’ knees, think Meg Thee Stallion knees but with a little more heat and flavor, lemon pepper flavor to be exact. It’s some next-level shit is what I’m saying (lemon pepper is legit one the best flavors in the world and you can’t change my mind about that).


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Yeah, so I mean to say I had some extracurricular prime-time, get-low-in-ya-squat-and-swing-your-arm-ass knees, yet today I can’t even do a fucking squat without feeling like I have one foot in the door of Shady Pines. It’s a snap, crackle, pop situation EVERY TIME I do ANYTHING! I feel so old, and you know they say your knees are the first to go. I’m not trying to live that old lady life for real... I want the sexy salt and pepper hair, I don’t want old lady knees.

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So of course, as with any disturbance in the force, I took a trip on down to Dr. Google and found out, yet ANOTHER thing they don’t tell you about pregnancy and/or sugarcoat the fuck out of. In addition to the absence of serious exercise, the hormone relaxin that allows your body to expand during pregnancy takes forever to vacate the premises after birth leaving you with wobbly-ass newborn giraffe knees. How the hell am I supposed to have a hot girl summer with baby Seabiscuit knees?!

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Ok, ok, so I’m being dramatic... I know I gave birth only two months ago and it took ten for my body to expand, so realistically I know that it’ll take time for things to come back together. That’s not lost on my crazy ass, I promise, I just thought I’d be back to my regularly scheduled shenanigans by now. I guess that’s the downside of having expectations, sometimes what we expect isn’t realistic and we forget to give ourselves some grace... Huh! I never thought shitty knees would contain such a valuable life lesson.


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So on that note, I’m going to give my neighbors some grace, mind my business, leave the Karening to the Karens, and I’ll holla at y’all later.

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