So my therapist said to write my intrusive thoughts whenever they come up to see if there are any patterns that emerge. I’m not the greatest at seeing specific patterns like that so I figured I’d start a series of my intrusive thoughts to get them out of my head and release them out into the universe so maybe something good will be born from all the internal chaos. Fuck! Okay here goes nothing:
· I feel left out.
· I asked for my wife not to watch queen of the south with the baby. But I guess that is irrelevant right now.
· I feel like I’m a failure because I want to write sometimes but I don’t know what to write and I am rendered immobile because of my indecision. So I end up not writing anything.
· As the days go on I legit feel like I have undiagnosed ADHD or something, it’s starting to bother me, but I keep forgetting to talk my therapist about it.
· I love Bo Burnham’s ‘INSIDE’ special every song is a compositional masterpiece, I hope to god that a creator doesn’t come out and say that they collab'd during his absence and he actually stole content, but I doubt it ‘cause the brand consistency is certainly there. I guess it's that thing where you don't want your heroes to let you down.
· My pile of unput-a-way shoes is making me irrationally angry.
· I refuse to do all this laundry in the house when most of the clothes aren’t even mine.
· Maybe I should make 'Intrusive thoughts' a series on my blog.
· How the fuck do stay at home moms do it?
· It’s way too many sounds going into my head right now.
· Fuck I think I’m about to have a panic attack. My eyesight's been hella blurry.
· Am I acting okay when I’m not or have I been acting okay and I'm not?
· Yep, this is a panic attack, I’m jittery as fuck.
· I’m twitchy as fuck.
· I want new friends.
· I'm looking forward to getting my tattoo.
· When Dakota talks in baby babble it warms my entire soul.
· I really got to clean.
· Is it possible to channel anxiety into productivity or does it just become mania.
· I need to stay off TikTok, I’m learning too much.
· I have ended up on conspiracy theory TikTok for fuck sake.
· I’m fat.
· I need to drive.
· I want to rearrange my room.
· My baby is so cute!
· I’m going to clean.
· I keep having chills.
· I’m seeing goddamn orbs everywhere.
· Why can’t I shake this pressure to make money, I can’t shake the need to be productive, all of my needs are being met.
· I need to quit sugar, coffee excluded.
· I should make an anxiety playlist.
· *sings* Get yo fuckin’ hands up, get on out of your seat, all eyes on me, all eyes on me.
· I’m going to clean.
End.
I never actually cleaned. My pile of shoes in still in the corner staring at me. Yet suddenly I don’t care, I’m not mad, my jitters have calmed down a bit, and I just want to hold my baby.
If you want more glimpses into how my brain works, can totally relate, or just want to follow this train wreck, like, follow, and share with your friends (you know do all the social things) and I'll catch you in the next one.